Just wanted to post the text version of the talk I gave back in October for the NEABPD Meet & Greet. It is quite timely considering the coming events. I will be focusing only on a few things for the next few days and these words help me muscle up my determination and grit. Thanks again for all your kind words of support. You’re in my heart!
Below is the text:
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This night is very special to me, not only because we are here to celebrate all the progress we are making in research and treatment for borderline personality disorder, not only because I see so many familiar and supportive faces, and new ones too, advancing the BPD cause, but more on a personal note, this night is very special to me, for it was here, sitting on that very table a few years ago talking to Dale Terilli and Jim Payne, that I decided to become a competitive boxer.
After sharing my idea — documenting my journey as an a competitive boxer and using it as a metaphor for my fight for those with mental illness — I said to the group, “well, what do you think?” and I believe Jim looked at me and said enthusiastically, “Well, why not?!!”
So I have you all to thank for my journey thus far.
But it wasn’t an easy decision, not just because it was boxing. But mostly because I was still struggling in a very real way with my illness. I had been making progress with my therapy, my medication, my support network, but I was still in deep despair. A suffering so painful that it always lead to one single question, every morning:
Is today the day that I choose to end my life?..
I would say to myself how I wish I was normal, that I wasn’t made for this struggle. I didn’t have what it take to keep going, to keep alive. The pain was so great and the mountain to climb was too high.
I have lived with suicidal thoughts and urges for most of my adult life. But right here in this very room, sitting in that table, a few years ago, I decided that I could either keep feeling sorry for myself or I could try. I could do.
I could do boxing.
Sure, the uncertainty was there. Could I really get in the ring and hold it together long enough? Could I really learn all there is to the sweet science of “hit and not be hit?” I didn’t have an answer, but somehow, I found strength in the act of doing, of translating thoughts, and ideas and beliefs into deeds.
And from that, I began to understand pain and struggle in an entirely new way, not as something to get rid of, as was my natural habit, but something to respect — for I began to learn, through boxing, all of those things were a natural process of breaking down and building up, of repair and recovery; of developing strength. The suffering, struggle, and pain I once thought prohibited me from leading my life instead became an avenue for me to create a meaningful one.
From my journey with boxing thus far, I have tasted what it feels like to overcome fear in the ring, of facing my demons, of pushing on with my will when my body no longer agrees with me. It was only in this kind of framework — boxing — did I learn that I could exist beyond pain, beyond exhaustion, beyond the lactic acid building up in my muscles. I could exist beyond the struggle. I could and do exist. It was a big breakthrough for me: In that ring and completed my first boxing match, I realized I had a will — not only to live —but to live out my purpose, my living story.
This is my small example of turning a personal tragedy into a human triumph. Boxing has taught me in a very concrete way that for all those who have fought the long, lonely battle alone: We are worthy of striving, of pursuing. We are worthy of the struggle.
And so to all those who struggle, and especially to all of you here tonight in this room. I fight for you. I am fighting for you, for Matt, the high school sophomore student from upstate NY, who presented to his class my video to let people know about BPD. I’m fighting for Nicole who told me about her cousin, though diagnosed with BPD, still took her own life.. and how she is doing all that she can to spread the word about BPD in the living memory of her cousin. I fight for Kayla, who went through a treatment program in the UK, called “teach me how to live” and is learning to do so day by day. And I fight for Helen, whom I learned those great words from, whose daughter so desperately tried to learn how to live but took her own life too.
This is my living story. But more importantly, we need to tell the living story of BPD, where others find their own meaning from their struggle. That they too can share their story, but most of all, live out their story.
I would have never gotten this far and and be here if it wasn’t for that special night, here in this room, when I decided to do. For what gives us strength, hope and vitality for those who have suffered is not only what we are given, but also what we, as a people, do. So thank you for making this night so special for me, giving me the opportunity to recommit to my living story and help others find their own.
Thank you for believing in me.
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