amanda@rethinkbpd.com

Starting Over Again and Again

Starting Over Again and Again

I know it’s been a while since I last posted. In fact, I almost called it quits on this project. I was feeling so well I decided we were ready to grow our family. I wanted to also help the family by earning a respectable income, so I took up more freelance projects. I was even off my psychiatric medication (with my doctor’s blessing) for the first time in fifteen years. Life was going forward and I was moving on, leaving little time and focus on the disorder I thought I left behind.

And then it all came crashing down. 9 months later, due to a side effect in a new medication I was taking, a depressive episode soon overcame me. I was giving up on myself. I didn’t think I could change and I’d feel this way forever. It was so painful — the pull so strong — I became a danger to myself. I started writing my good-byes and making firm plans. My treatment team was worried and for the first time in my life I found myself on the psychiatric inpatient unit of a New York City hospital.

Two months later I find myself here, on the outside, trying to find my way back to a life I thought I never had. In a way it’s a new beginning, a third chance on life. I’m not sold yet that it’s mine for the taking, but I wanted to share this new journey with you. I’ll be starting my treatment with dialectical behavior therapy all over again. This time I’ll be taking you along with me, learning what it’s like to go through treatment that is supposed to help those with chronic suicidal feelings, parasuicidal urges and borderline personality disorder. I have all of them and experience them in various degrees. Sometimes I have to live from minute to minute or hour to hour. Other times I can live from month to month.

And that’s what my therapist is trying to have me commit to again as we restart our treatment; that I can commit to living as we work on this together. For the first time I am hesitant to commit to such a thing, uncertain of my own fate. I cannot guarantee that the battle will be won, that I have the strength in me to endure. But I’m willing to give it a shot. Day to day for now. My therapist will take that. It’s a start. A new beginning.

10 Comment(s)
  • Tee Posted June 12, 2014 3:19 pm

    amanda,
    i’ve been where you are many times. reaching a positive place in my life and then losing it all. thinking that i had not one more ounce of will left in me. believing that i couldn’t possibly survival any more suffering. seeing only a future filled w pain and more suffering. and then, for different reasons, at different times, i have been able to transform my life, yet again, or something unexpected happens, and my life becomes worth living again. i feel joy, even hope. i’ve had to radically accept so much loss and letting go of desire, dreams- but when i can, it enables me to enjoy and appreciate what i do have. yes, take your life one day or one breath at a time. if you have experienced joy in you life before. if you have had a life worth living before, you CAN experience it again. don’t be afraid of your emotions- ours are very intense, but if you can sit with them, observe them, feel them in your body, they will lose enough of their power that they won’t destroy you. and every time you notice a negative thought, turn your mind away from it- do it over and over and over and over again.

    talia

    • Amanda Wang Posted June 13, 2014 3:12 pm

      Thanks Talia for your words of encouragement. I really appreciate you sharing your own experience dealing with the stuff we battle on a day to day basis. Knowing someone has gone through it and is working on it and is committed to working on it helps me know there is hope. There are others out there going through what I continue to go through. Here’s to taking it one moment at a time, over and over again.

  • Karen Brown Posted June 12, 2014 10:30 pm

    Thank you … Thank you for posting your personal struggle!

    • Amanda Wang Posted June 13, 2014 3:13 pm

      Thanks Karen for reading!

  • Charity Posted June 18, 2014 2:32 pm

    It’s scary, isn’t it? We can be sailing along, doing so well that we almost start to think of ourselves as regular (i.e., non-BPD) folks, then suddenly have the ground completely disappear beneath our feet. I had a similar reminder recently, and while I wasn’t prepared for it, it really reminded me not to become complacent. There’s no point where we get to say, “Okay, I’ve finished overcoming this thing now, and I can put it behind me and forget all about it.”

    Just remember that you’re not alone. We’re here, and there, and all around, and we’re fighting the same battles that you fight, day after day after week after month after year. Sometimes it sucks harder than other times, for sure. But we fight.

    🙂

    • Amanda Wang Posted July 3, 2014 9:53 am

      Charity, thanks for sharing your experience too. You’ve reminded me why I can get through this, because other people like you have gone before me to pave the way. I’m glad to know I’m not alone in our fight. Thanks.

  • Ann Posted July 1, 2014 2:52 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I feel so much pain and sadness in your words, but as always your spirit and strength are also shining through. I hope you know that even though we don’t get to see each other that often now, I always think of you and send you my love. I cannot imagine how my life and transition to living here would’ve have been without you, and I hope you know how much of a blessing you are to me and countless others.

    • Amanda Wang Posted July 2, 2014 2:49 pm

      My dear Ann, such a heartfelt thanks for your kind, honest words. I am so lucky to have wonderful family in you and so glad we are now closer to each other. Mike and I will make it a point that we see more of you! Your love and support makes a difference in my life. Love you very much, Amanda.

  • Erin Posted July 30, 2014 7:43 pm

    Thank you for being so brave, and for being ok with being vulnerable. I am glad you have rejoined the fight and this project – selfishly because right now, I really do need you and this community.

    • Amanda Wang Posted August 7, 2014 5:24 pm

      Thank you Erin. Have you checked out http://mydialecticallife.com/ ? Amanda Smith is a great person and has a wonderful community to reach out to. You might want to check it out. Wishing you well and hope you get what you need from our community.

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