I know it’s been a while since I last posted. In fact, I almost called it quits on this project. I was feeling so well I decided we were ready to grow our family. I wanted to also help the family by earning a respectable income, so I took up more freelance projects. I was even off my psychiatric medication (with my doctor’s blessing) for the first time in fifteen years. Life was going forward and I was moving on, leaving little time and focus on the disorder I thought I left behind.
And then it all came crashing down. 9 months later, due to a side effect in a new medication I was taking, a depressive episode soon overcame me. I was giving up on myself. I didn’t think I could change and I’d feel this way forever. It was so painful — the pull so strong — I became a danger to myself. I started writing my good-byes and making firm plans. My treatment team was worried and for the first time in my life I found myself on the psychiatric inpatient unit of a New York City hospital.
Two months later I find myself here, on the outside, trying to find my way back to a life I thought I never had. In a way it’s a new beginning, a third chance on life. I’m not sold yet that it’s mine for the taking, but I wanted to share this new journey with you. I’ll be starting my treatment with dialectical behavior therapy all over again. This time I’ll be taking you along with me, learning what it’s like to go through treatment that is supposed to help those with chronic suicidal feelings, parasuicidal urges and borderline personality disorder. I have all of them and experience them in various degrees. Sometimes I have to live from minute to minute or hour to hour. Other times I can live from month to month.
And that’s what my therapist is trying to have me commit to again as we restart our treatment; that I can commit to living as we work on this together. For the first time I am hesitant to commit to such a thing, uncertain of my own fate. I cannot guarantee that the battle will be won, that I have the strength in me to endure. But I’m willing to give it a shot. Day to day for now. My therapist will take that. It’s a start. A new beginning.